Fighting Better
Why Conflict Might Be Your Relationship's Greatest Invitation
In my first-ever relationship with a guy, every conflict felt like the end of the world. We’re breaking up. This is it. Clearly something is wrong because we’re having a DISAGREEMENT! Those were the kinds of thoughts that went through my mind whenever tension arose. Can you relate?
Some of it traces back to my childhood. As a kid, conflict felt big and scary — and it often did signal that big, unfortunate changes were coming in my family. Nobody ever told me explicitly that conflict was bad, but it sure felt that way. And somewhere in my little-boy brain, I internalized the idea that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs.
In that first relationship — and truthfully, even in my current one — tension arrives hand-in-hand with catastrophizing thoughts. You’re upset I spent so much time with friends? Maybe I just shouldn’t have any friends! I’m upset that you’re right about something? Maybe I’m naïve and always in the wrong! I’m being a little facetious, but you get the idea.
Something I often tell my clients, especially the couples I work with, is this: the goal isn’t to stop fighting. It’s to fight better. My hope is that we can rewrite the story that conflict is inherently bad — and instead see it as an opportunity, even an invitation to intimacy. (Full credit to my friend Mike Roth for that reframe.) Differences themselves aren’t the problem. What’s usually the problem is the stories we tell ourselves, the stories we tell each other, or the ineffective ways we try to navigate those differences.
If you’re a bookworm and relationship nerd like me, you’ve probably read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, and scrutinized your childhood, all in the hope of not just surviving relationships, but truly thriving in them. There’s a lot to learn. But it really does come down to a few core principles:
1. Be kind to each other. This means reducing what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen” — Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling — the ABCs: Accusations, Blame, and Criticisms, or whatever framing works for you. These patterns are corrosive and interrupting them is essential. How do you do that? That brings us to my next point.
2. Learn to regulate yourself — and let your partner regulate themselves. What’s happening inside you is your work. What’s happening inside them is theirs. Take breaks when you need them. Agree on a time to return to the conversation. Practice deep breathing, maintain a calm body posture, and bring your attention back to your physical environment and sensations. There are many tools for emotional regulation — these are just a few good ones to keep in your toolkit.
3. Reframe the problem. If your partner starts to feel like the problem, remember it’s the two of you against the problem, not against each other. Try framing it as us versus the communication challenge, the intimacy issue, the values conflict. If something your partner shares lands in a way that’s emotionally activating, try a quiet mantra: This is not about me. Or: There’s something here for me to learn. Find a mantra or language that suits your fancy and practice it outside of conflict so it’s more accessible when things get hard.
Navigating conflict and tension in relationships is difficult. We’ll never approach it perfectly — not as long as there are two or more of us on this planet with inevitably different needs, histories, and ways of seeing the world. Even so, we can learn to fight better: by educating ourselves, learning to regulate our own emotions, and choosing to see conflict not just as a problem to be solved (though sometimes it is), but as an invitation — to know ourselves more fully, to know each other more deeply, and to build the kind of intimacy that only comes from showing up honestly, even when it’s hard.